revision

I just watched 'I Am Chris Farley' (very recommended), and putting aside my feelings for that specific topic for another avenue I was just kind of struck by this feeling. Because you watch the show, and all of Chris Farley's brothers are in it, although Kevin Farley the most (and he's a producer of the doc) and I kind of got this vibe of his brother being a moocher of his brother's fame. He's a comedian, but not as funny (but who could be), he's an actor (likely in a few things you've probably seen but you wouldn't recognize him), and you could tell from his interviewers that he recognized that Chris Farley was in another universe...and really most of those interviewed stated that feeling. Adam Sandler, David Spade. So at first I was thinking his brother was likely jealous of his fame and fortune but by the end of the film I was thinking..."Yeah, but who got to be 50? Who is still doing what they love in the 2015? Who probably got to settle down, have a family?" By the end of the movie I can't stop thinking of this. I've got my own dreams...all sorts of dreams. Of recording an album, writing a novel. I don't know if any of these things will happen. I have an issue with focus, but eventually I keep trying. But...I'm going to college. I want to be a counselor, I want to help people. I've got to live in the academic world a little bit to do that...which I'm uncomfortable with a little bit. But I was born uncomfortable. I just came into the world that way. Who doesn't want that high water rock star moment? You want to be somebody that will influence somebody else. You want to be somebody that somebody wants to be like. Sometimes you can admit that. We want to be successful, to be paid to do what we love. We could live with that, but also...to be recognized for something that you pull out of the inside of you would be something. I will not lie. But having a career helping the mentally ill, raising Ava, going on date nights with Sarah for the next fifty years (hopefully at least), those are things I dream of and think of. And they make me happier. They make me more content. They make me happier. Being away from Sarah is great because it reminds me that I feel emptier when she's gone. She makes me want to be better. I dream of a healthy life. A happy life. A good life. And the rest doesn't matter; if it comes or if it doesn't. A day at the park with Sarah and Ava, and a date night to the movies with Sarah is a perfect day. It's enough.

The Recurring Outpouring of Everything

Well, time for a new blog. I have to be honest, the lack of feedback on these things always bug me. I like to put stuff out there...just for the sake of getting it off my chest...but also potentially to help somebody, or entertain them, help them out in some way at all. I don't know if a single blog post has ever done that but if I write enough, you'd think the odds would kick me at least one. I don't know if helping somebody is supposed to make me feel important...or better than people who aren't helping. I can't claim to be above such petty reasons. But when you hear about somebody helping someone else and it touches you in some way...does it really matter why ? If altruism truly exists, or if we just help people to make ourselves feel better...what does it matter? Maybe we're hardwired that way for survival. I ask "why does it matter?" but, like so often, I am the one wondering struggling to answer these seemingly obvious questions. Its odd how so much of our lives (or mine anyhow) is driven by raw desires. Why am I attracted to writing? Why, every so often, I get a sudden compulsion to pour something out of me and share it with the world? Or at least, the people on my Facebook page...which is my "world" I suppose. Or, a great deal of it.

I'm gonna switch gears here (there IS a reason why I called this thing "off the top," after all). I've been in north Idaho for a week Friday (its technically Friday already but its still Thursday night till I go to bed and wake up again later today). Visiting family and such. I'm sure this isn't news to most of my FB friends...I've been posting pictures and stuff about it all week long. Both Sarah and I are hitting that point where we're not exactly homesick (maybe she is but I don't quite get that way) but where we're missing our specific routines, and definitely our AC and WiFi connection. I've been in the routine of basically watching my eating for months now (which has caused me to lose roughly thirty pounds, I don't talk about it often because I'm terrified I'm going to gain it back) and for the last month or six weeks or so I've been in the routine of working out at Planet Fitness with Sarah...like everyday three days or so...and stretches of everyday for five day streaks or so. That hasn't happened since we got here last Friday (as there is, sadly, no Planet Fitness in any close vicinity). I'm starting to feel like I've gained weight, although it doesn't appear to be the case. But it's getting in my head, and I weighed myself on the scale where I was staying last night and it was like 3-5 pounds heavier. However weight naturally fluctuates about that much, and its a different scale that I only weighed myself on that one time. But, damn it's getting in my head. Eating hasn't been so great...but not really THAT far off track. It's still basically okay, and if I was getting my workouts in, I wouldn't worry so much. But we get back to Washington on the 17th, and we're only gonna be back a week before Sarah leaves for Arizona (long story) on the 24th...which is also the day I start school again. And I don't actually have a membership, I'm only a guest on Sarah's membership...which she has to be present for. Which will be changed...but I'm not sure when.

So that's my stress, my worry, my first world problems. Of course first world problems will be the only I'll ever face...so it's all about relativity. That's the best I can do to defend myself on that front. My recurring outpouring of everything. That's all for now.

P.S.-This blog post was written with Michael J. Sheehey's 'Twisted Little Man' playing on repeat in my headphones...in case that matters. Or even if it doesn't.

P.P.S.-I'm also pretty fuckin worried about upcoming application deadlines for masters programs, and graduate school in general but that'll have to be relegated to general FB complaints or another blog post.

Some thoughts...

Not sure what to write; only know that I have the desire to.

 Trying to learn to listen to it.

 A great deal of the time, when I'm in a rut, I seem to ignore the urges that could help you get out of it.

Sometimes it's really clear when I'm ignoring them, and I know I'm just avoiding. Other times I barely catch myself. Like, on a recent hot summer-y day Ava wanted me to run through the sprinklers with her and I said no...because I don't like water that much, and I didn't happen to be that hot so it seemed fair. But then I thought: what am I doing?! I'm throwing away chances for great memories.

And it's frightening because I know there's been many other times: Ava wanting me to sing with her, or play dolls or whatever. I mean, I do those things...don't get me wrong. But sometimes it's morning and I'm tired...or evening and I'm tired, and sometimes I'm just reading something on my phone, an article, a bit of news, Facebook, Twitter...and I just don't want to. And writing that down is the hardest thing. Sometimes I'd rather stare at a screen than spend a few minutes with my beautiful daughter.

Wow. It's hard to write that and not feel like the worst parent alive.

But...I know I'm not alone in this behavior. Others might alter the semantics of the statement...but there's a lot of you who know what I mean. I guess that's a little comforting. I'm human...it's nice to know I'm not the only one fucking up...and of course there's always someone fucking up worse than you. But, of course there's the other hand; somebody fucking up less,

And, if I have any life goal or motto, (other than "simple is good") it's fucking up less. Swearing isn't required but I say what I mean and say what I mean. Or, at least I want to.

Summer Sunday Afternoon Afterlife

Some thoughts I've had recently: if heaven was like lying in a hammock on a 70 degree blue sky day...I still couldn't do it for eternity...but for a hundred years or so wouldn't be bad.

Also I've been struck yet again by how...unsavory the human race can be.

But...there is some silver lining in this (not a play books worth...HA).

 We've been learning about the Milgram studies in a few of my Psych classes and it's something I knew about before but it's always interesting...oh and the Zimbardo Prison Experiment too (If you're unfamiliar with either of those Google em...interesting/disturbing stuff).

 Essentially both of studies conclude with the same idea...under the right conditions (those conditions basically being someone else is taking responsibility for your actions and you also view that someone else as a legitimate authority) the MAJORITY of regular, average, perfectly mentally healthy folks can and will do horrible atrocities.

 Later they won't understand why and usually almost always the answer is "I was just following orders."

 Now this isn't to make some anti-military point (Abu Ghraib is one of many instances that makes these implications clear so I don't have to drone on myself) but just to be aware...most evil isn't "outside evil."

 Outside evil is inside of us.

 So what's the silver lining? If we live with that awareness we CAN be better people. If we understand that about 65-70 percent of people will hesitantly but willingly shock a person to death for the purposes of a science experiment (Milgram) then we also understand that there is some 30-35 that could potentially be heroes.

  If we keep in mind that any one of us have the capacity for evil inside of us then maybe we can fight it when we're tempted to go with the flow.

 So it's depressing thought initially but in the end it feels like a silver lining. There's still room for heroes. Here's to that summer Sunday afternoon afterlife. One can hope.

P.S.-Has anyone else been seeing the night sky recently? Last night was pretty amazing...hoping for another good one tonight. G'night folks.

Start

Does this inspire you? Does it make you think of something you want to do, but keeps not happening because of "priorities"? Start. This is a reminder to myself, as much as it is to you. I'll end this bloggette with another quote, a personal favorite of mine:

"Simple is good." -Jim Henson

Keep those two things in mind. 

And have a good evening everybody. 

This song feels appropriate, 

Interrupted shower

So here I stand, with only a towel draped around me in the bathroom. My hair is full of soap. The shower head made this noise, like a dying squeaky toy, and suddenly the water was completely gone, and I stood there suddenly confused. Sarah is going to the well/pump/whatever to check it out. And I wait...with no concrete plan to rinse the soap out of my hair. I decided to write about it. Normally I'd just write a quick sentence about it on Facebook but now you're getting a whole blog post about it! Also I could be editor of Sodo Mojo and make money. Writing about Mariners and MAKING MONEY. I guess the key is that the money isn't nearly enough to live on. And I'm writing for the Mariners now and making money...just separately, haha. College is the better thing to focus on...its got better payback. That's what I keep telling myself. I just heard a door open...I think Sarah might be back in from outside. Maybe there is water! I must investigate! Have a good night folks. And...hey! Its almost spring.

all the small things

I'm writing because I feel distressed, I feel angry, I feel like I do when I need an outlet. I only seem to create when it feels like I need to get rid of some feeling inside of me, more often than not its a negative feeling, but occasionally I get a nice surprise and it's something positive. Either way I usually feel better when it's over.

Usually I aim for a happy go lucky sort of blog, but I'm just not feeling that. There's nothing wrong in particular with anything, for the most part I'm happy and satisfied with my life. I just saw 'Kingsman: The Secret Service' the other day with Sarah as a belated Valentine's Day thing and it was wonderful. We had dinner beforehand and went to the late show, on the big giant RPX screen. Its wonderful to know that, as I near thirty (twenty eighty as of this moment in February), lots of the same things excite me as they did when I was ten.

When I was ten even a simple video rental from the local Blockbuster (or Movie Gallery or mom and pop's occasionally) would excite me, let alone a night out at the theater. And honestly, going to the movies still holds that child-like excitement for me. Which is nice, cause for a couple years I thought I had lost it.

I think the video store would still excite me, but those are already gone. The only ones left are the exceptions, or the high end independents. Its sad but inevitable. I feel I want to avoid feeling sad about them because that automatically dates me, and makes me question my ability to adapt to the even more extreme changes that are bound to happen.  

But, on the other hand...I'm fucking sad. I should just let it happen. And I do, but I make myself look at the positives that change has brought us.

I realize these are fairly mundane thoughts to have, and that many people have them. I don't doubt this, I could have mentioned any of these thoughts in passing to someone about my age or older and I would have, more than likely, received a sympathetic response. But it's not the same. It's about getting it down. A lot of times I don't know exactly what I'm going to write until it starts to come out. Like, this isn't what I thought I was going to write about, I thought I was going to write about what I was angry about.

But that's the thing. The anger is directed towards odd things, like softly cruel jokes friends make, or...things like of that nature. Its hard to pin down what it is exactly. First of all, I'm tired. I'm tired of being a cook, I'm tired of waking up at 5:30, I'm tired of being "too young" to be "tired" of things like this. Everyone keeps saying you're too young for this, or too young for that, even long after you stopped feeling young. And then everyone starts to claim you're too old for this, or too old for that.

At twenty-four I felt FAR too old to go back to college. Which is fucking ridiculous, which is something I realized better when I went to class with fifty year olds...and sixty year olds. I've got friends who feel the same way in their mid twenties. Its a hard feeling to get out of.

I think the anger might come from this tiredness. Tired of these classes, with their identical syllabi, and the same quiet threats...made to ensure academic success. I'm always reminding myself of this amazing opportunity to better myself, and because of my marriage, and my child, the state has paid for my education thus far. Which is something many, many people don't get. And I'm so grateful.

But being grateful doesn't make you not tired. You can be amazingly grateful for your job, but if you're getting up before the sun you can still feel tired as fuck. So I still feel tired.

And so does EVERYONE ELSE. So..,don't get that idea. I get it. But still...I feel this way.

But I can see the light, I'm getting closer to that job I want, that career. I've made strides in my creative outlets which I'm please with, and I feel motivated to start, new uncharted areas of creativity.

And the small things still excite me. DAILY. A forthcoming novel from Stephen King, or a new collection of short stories? Great. Angels and Airwaves making a solid album again? Great news. Especially since blink is dead. A new Steven Page album...Kingsman getting a sequel and so on.

That's great. These things are small but if it keeps you going, while you're going to the grind? Great.

All The Small Things, baby.

Sometimes It Takes a Grand Mal Seizure: Recollections of Getting Free

Man in a couple days it'll be two years since a unfortunate and scary health issue dramatically changed my life. After the doctor told me I needed to have a six month leave of absence to see if the seizures would be a recurring problem it immediately relieved me of a job I was grateful for, but was awful for me personally, especially for a full time college student and dad. It was one of those jobs, like a lot of people out there, I'm sure, where I was good at it, but was one that was killing me emotionally. Emotions never seemed a good enough reason to quit my (mostly) full time job, especially since it paid for my nice and spacious downtown apartment. And having a full time job, and full time school, I never really got around to looking for a new job...even though I constantly told myself I would.

I felt very trapped, and was, in fact, planning on transferring to the Vancouver Red Lion when I transferred to WSU-V. Providing a home for my family and for the nice things I could occasionally buy felt like enough to slog on through the misery. Forgive the dramatics but...it feels accurate. It's a pretty common story I figured, and eventually I also figured (HOPEFULLY) college and grad school would solve the issue.

Thank god that didn't happen. Before the end of that January I had pretty much unofficially decided I could not go back to Red Lion. I had been laid off from the Lion back in '09 and I thought that was the sign to leave THEN, before I wound up back at their door six months later after I ran out of unemployment. Here I was, getting a second out, and I figured it was a sign to move on. So I officially stayed on at Red Lion, burning out my sick time, until it finally ran dry in March. And then I quit. It took pretty much from January until late March to finally decide to take up a standing offer from Sarah's mom to move into the spare rooms she had at her house.

It's difficult to swallow pride. It took Sarah far less time to accept the idea of leaving our wonderful apartment (that I hardly miss as much as I would have thought), and taking up a residence that would allow for a part time job, than it did me. Eventually, I realized, even though pride was a powerful emotion, my pride at the time was just forcing me to stay in a miserable position. Even though I do miss having our own uninterrupted space occasionally, honestly it hardly happens. My life is busy but so, so much more flexible. I have time for friendships, for date nights, for family nights, for special trips with Ava, for reading, for near daily creative time. My actual job allows me breaks for holidays, for classes, for my internship, for my brand spanking new second position of writing articles for Sodo Mojo (at least...I'm pretty sure it will...haha). There is now hardly any 3 a.m. studying. Usually I could get it done on mornings when I'm off or before bedtime on days I've had work/school. Sometimes it takes something awful and scary (i,e. seizure), to realize the misery you are in is in fact, not worth it. Hopefully it doesn't take that for you. Sometimes people don't get a wake up call at all. I'm so grateful I did, Thanks, universe.

It's wonderful. If pride is keeping you somewhere you don't REALLY wanna be... LET GO. Sounds easy, will in fact be super hard, but will feel WONDERFUL.