all the small things

I'm writing because I feel distressed, I feel angry, I feel like I do when I need an outlet. I only seem to create when it feels like I need to get rid of some feeling inside of me, more often than not its a negative feeling, but occasionally I get a nice surprise and it's something positive. Either way I usually feel better when it's over.

Usually I aim for a happy go lucky sort of blog, but I'm just not feeling that. There's nothing wrong in particular with anything, for the most part I'm happy and satisfied with my life. I just saw 'Kingsman: The Secret Service' the other day with Sarah as a belated Valentine's Day thing and it was wonderful. We had dinner beforehand and went to the late show, on the big giant RPX screen. Its wonderful to know that, as I near thirty (twenty eighty as of this moment in February), lots of the same things excite me as they did when I was ten.

When I was ten even a simple video rental from the local Blockbuster (or Movie Gallery or mom and pop's occasionally) would excite me, let alone a night out at the theater. And honestly, going to the movies still holds that child-like excitement for me. Which is nice, cause for a couple years I thought I had lost it.

I think the video store would still excite me, but those are already gone. The only ones left are the exceptions, or the high end independents. Its sad but inevitable. I feel I want to avoid feeling sad about them because that automatically dates me, and makes me question my ability to adapt to the even more extreme changes that are bound to happen.  

But, on the other hand...I'm fucking sad. I should just let it happen. And I do, but I make myself look at the positives that change has brought us.

I realize these are fairly mundane thoughts to have, and that many people have them. I don't doubt this, I could have mentioned any of these thoughts in passing to someone about my age or older and I would have, more than likely, received a sympathetic response. But it's not the same. It's about getting it down. A lot of times I don't know exactly what I'm going to write until it starts to come out. Like, this isn't what I thought I was going to write about, I thought I was going to write about what I was angry about.

But that's the thing. The anger is directed towards odd things, like softly cruel jokes friends make, or...things like of that nature. Its hard to pin down what it is exactly. First of all, I'm tired. I'm tired of being a cook, I'm tired of waking up at 5:30, I'm tired of being "too young" to be "tired" of things like this. Everyone keeps saying you're too young for this, or too young for that, even long after you stopped feeling young. And then everyone starts to claim you're too old for this, or too old for that.

At twenty-four I felt FAR too old to go back to college. Which is fucking ridiculous, which is something I realized better when I went to class with fifty year olds...and sixty year olds. I've got friends who feel the same way in their mid twenties. Its a hard feeling to get out of.

I think the anger might come from this tiredness. Tired of these classes, with their identical syllabi, and the same quiet threats...made to ensure academic success. I'm always reminding myself of this amazing opportunity to better myself, and because of my marriage, and my child, the state has paid for my education thus far. Which is something many, many people don't get. And I'm so grateful.

But being grateful doesn't make you not tired. You can be amazingly grateful for your job, but if you're getting up before the sun you can still feel tired as fuck. So I still feel tired.

And so does EVERYONE ELSE. So..,don't get that idea. I get it. But still...I feel this way.

But I can see the light, I'm getting closer to that job I want, that career. I've made strides in my creative outlets which I'm please with, and I feel motivated to start, new uncharted areas of creativity.

And the small things still excite me. DAILY. A forthcoming novel from Stephen King, or a new collection of short stories? Great. Angels and Airwaves making a solid album again? Great news. Especially since blink is dead. A new Steven Page album...Kingsman getting a sequel and so on.

That's great. These things are small but if it keeps you going, while you're going to the grind? Great.

All The Small Things, baby.