revision

I just watched 'I Am Chris Farley' (very recommended), and putting aside my feelings for that specific topic for another avenue I was just kind of struck by this feeling. Because you watch the show, and all of Chris Farley's brothers are in it, although Kevin Farley the most (and he's a producer of the doc) and I kind of got this vibe of his brother being a moocher of his brother's fame. He's a comedian, but not as funny (but who could be), he's an actor (likely in a few things you've probably seen but you wouldn't recognize him), and you could tell from his interviewers that he recognized that Chris Farley was in another universe...and really most of those interviewed stated that feeling. Adam Sandler, David Spade. So at first I was thinking his brother was likely jealous of his fame and fortune but by the end of the film I was thinking..."Yeah, but who got to be 50? Who is still doing what they love in the 2015? Who probably got to settle down, have a family?" By the end of the movie I can't stop thinking of this. I've got my own dreams...all sorts of dreams. Of recording an album, writing a novel. I don't know if any of these things will happen. I have an issue with focus, but eventually I keep trying. But...I'm going to college. I want to be a counselor, I want to help people. I've got to live in the academic world a little bit to do that...which I'm uncomfortable with a little bit. But I was born uncomfortable. I just came into the world that way. Who doesn't want that high water rock star moment? You want to be somebody that will influence somebody else. You want to be somebody that somebody wants to be like. Sometimes you can admit that. We want to be successful, to be paid to do what we love. We could live with that, but also...to be recognized for something that you pull out of the inside of you would be something. I will not lie. But having a career helping the mentally ill, raising Ava, going on date nights with Sarah for the next fifty years (hopefully at least), those are things I dream of and think of. And they make me happier. They make me more content. They make me happier. Being away from Sarah is great because it reminds me that I feel emptier when she's gone. She makes me want to be better. I dream of a healthy life. A happy life. A good life. And the rest doesn't matter; if it comes or if it doesn't. A day at the park with Sarah and Ava, and a date night to the movies with Sarah is a perfect day. It's enough.