Not sure what to write; only know that I have the desire to.
Trying to learn to listen to it.
A great deal of the time, when I'm in a rut, I seem to ignore the urges that could help you get out of it.
Sometimes it's really clear when I'm ignoring them, and I know I'm just avoiding. Other times I barely catch myself. Like, on a recent hot summer-y day Ava wanted me to run through the sprinklers with her and I said no...because I don't like water that much, and I didn't happen to be that hot so it seemed fair. But then I thought: what am I doing?! I'm throwing away chances for great memories.
And it's frightening because I know there's been many other times: Ava wanting me to sing with her, or play dolls or whatever. I mean, I do those things...don't get me wrong. But sometimes it's morning and I'm tired...or evening and I'm tired, and sometimes I'm just reading something on my phone, an article, a bit of news, Facebook, Twitter...and I just don't want to. And writing that down is the hardest thing. Sometimes I'd rather stare at a screen than spend a few minutes with my beautiful daughter.
Wow. It's hard to write that and not feel like the worst parent alive.
But...I know I'm not alone in this behavior. Others might alter the semantics of the statement...but there's a lot of you who know what I mean. I guess that's a little comforting. I'm human...it's nice to know I'm not the only one fucking up...and of course there's always someone fucking up worse than you. But, of course there's the other hand; somebody fucking up less,
And, if I have any life goal or motto, (other than "simple is good") it's fucking up less. Swearing isn't required but I say what I mean and say what I mean. Or, at least I want to.
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