revision

I just watched 'I Am Chris Farley' (very recommended), and putting aside my feelings for that specific topic for another avenue I was just kind of struck by this feeling. Because you watch the show, and all of Chris Farley's brothers are in it, although Kevin Farley the most (and he's a producer of the doc) and I kind of got this vibe of his brother being a moocher of his brother's fame. He's a comedian, but not as funny (but who could be), he's an actor (likely in a few things you've probably seen but you wouldn't recognize him), and you could tell from his interviewers that he recognized that Chris Farley was in another universe...and really most of those interviewed stated that feeling. Adam Sandler, David Spade. So at first I was thinking his brother was likely jealous of his fame and fortune but by the end of the film I was thinking..."Yeah, but who got to be 50? Who is still doing what they love in the 2015? Who probably got to settle down, have a family?" By the end of the movie I can't stop thinking of this. I've got my own dreams...all sorts of dreams. Of recording an album, writing a novel. I don't know if any of these things will happen. I have an issue with focus, but eventually I keep trying. But...I'm going to college. I want to be a counselor, I want to help people. I've got to live in the academic world a little bit to do that...which I'm uncomfortable with a little bit. But I was born uncomfortable. I just came into the world that way. Who doesn't want that high water rock star moment? You want to be somebody that will influence somebody else. You want to be somebody that somebody wants to be like. Sometimes you can admit that. We want to be successful, to be paid to do what we love. We could live with that, but also...to be recognized for something that you pull out of the inside of you would be something. I will not lie. But having a career helping the mentally ill, raising Ava, going on date nights with Sarah for the next fifty years (hopefully at least), those are things I dream of and think of. And they make me happier. They make me more content. They make me happier. Being away from Sarah is great because it reminds me that I feel emptier when she's gone. She makes me want to be better. I dream of a healthy life. A happy life. A good life. And the rest doesn't matter; if it comes or if it doesn't. A day at the park with Sarah and Ava, and a date night to the movies with Sarah is a perfect day. It's enough.

The Recurring Outpouring of Everything

Well, time for a new blog. I have to be honest, the lack of feedback on these things always bug me. I like to put stuff out there...just for the sake of getting it off my chest...but also potentially to help somebody, or entertain them, help them out in some way at all. I don't know if a single blog post has ever done that but if I write enough, you'd think the odds would kick me at least one. I don't know if helping somebody is supposed to make me feel important...or better than people who aren't helping. I can't claim to be above such petty reasons. But when you hear about somebody helping someone else and it touches you in some way...does it really matter why ? If altruism truly exists, or if we just help people to make ourselves feel better...what does it matter? Maybe we're hardwired that way for survival. I ask "why does it matter?" but, like so often, I am the one wondering struggling to answer these seemingly obvious questions. Its odd how so much of our lives (or mine anyhow) is driven by raw desires. Why am I attracted to writing? Why, every so often, I get a sudden compulsion to pour something out of me and share it with the world? Or at least, the people on my Facebook page...which is my "world" I suppose. Or, a great deal of it.

I'm gonna switch gears here (there IS a reason why I called this thing "off the top," after all). I've been in north Idaho for a week Friday (its technically Friday already but its still Thursday night till I go to bed and wake up again later today). Visiting family and such. I'm sure this isn't news to most of my FB friends...I've been posting pictures and stuff about it all week long. Both Sarah and I are hitting that point where we're not exactly homesick (maybe she is but I don't quite get that way) but where we're missing our specific routines, and definitely our AC and WiFi connection. I've been in the routine of basically watching my eating for months now (which has caused me to lose roughly thirty pounds, I don't talk about it often because I'm terrified I'm going to gain it back) and for the last month or six weeks or so I've been in the routine of working out at Planet Fitness with Sarah...like everyday three days or so...and stretches of everyday for five day streaks or so. That hasn't happened since we got here last Friday (as there is, sadly, no Planet Fitness in any close vicinity). I'm starting to feel like I've gained weight, although it doesn't appear to be the case. But it's getting in my head, and I weighed myself on the scale where I was staying last night and it was like 3-5 pounds heavier. However weight naturally fluctuates about that much, and its a different scale that I only weighed myself on that one time. But, damn it's getting in my head. Eating hasn't been so great...but not really THAT far off track. It's still basically okay, and if I was getting my workouts in, I wouldn't worry so much. But we get back to Washington on the 17th, and we're only gonna be back a week before Sarah leaves for Arizona (long story) on the 24th...which is also the day I start school again. And I don't actually have a membership, I'm only a guest on Sarah's membership...which she has to be present for. Which will be changed...but I'm not sure when.

So that's my stress, my worry, my first world problems. Of course first world problems will be the only I'll ever face...so it's all about relativity. That's the best I can do to defend myself on that front. My recurring outpouring of everything. That's all for now.

P.S.-This blog post was written with Michael J. Sheehey's 'Twisted Little Man' playing on repeat in my headphones...in case that matters. Or even if it doesn't.

P.P.S.-I'm also pretty fuckin worried about upcoming application deadlines for masters programs, and graduate school in general but that'll have to be relegated to general FB complaints or another blog post.