Let the Fear Guide, and Not Decide.

So, what I find interesting is the difference between people who seem to have natural confidence and those that do not. Confidence often, albeit not always, seems to correlate with some history or strong anticipation of "success." Some people have this natural confidence that is not based necessarily in their actual capabilities or history. In fact their confidence likely has a large part in influencing their success--that is the success stems partially from the pure non empirical confidence, and their confidence is not necessarily a reaction from their success. If there's anything I've learned in my many (many) years in post secondary education it is pure effort that is a bigger predictor of success, than any necessarily suspected intelligence level or previous success in primary education.

Now, that isn't to say that individual capabilities don't play a role in success. In fact knowing what you naturally excel at and what you don't-- and being able to accept that-- is a big role in building confidence. If I measured success by my natural mathematical abilities or visual-spatial intelligence I would largely consider myself on the far left end of the bell curve overall. But I accept that I suck at those things--honestly I am far below average in those areas, and in a noticeable way--but in these areas I simply put in enough effort, studied twice as hard, asked for as much help as I could and I passed on average or slightly above. Pushed myself into smack into the middle of the bell of aforementioned bell curve, in other words.

But I made sure that I picked a field that played to my natural strengths--which are hard to specify but lend themselves more to qualitative fields than quantitative--calculating a t-score in statistics is my Kryptonite, but writing a 25 page persuasive paper, or being able to have natural skills at making people feel comfortable to speak about awful things from their lives, or validated in doing so are right up my alley. 

I think insecure people--speaking from experience--worry that if they feel confident then they will slip up, or be unprepared for the inevitable time when life pulls the rug out from under them. That just when they feel comfortable enough to take a deep breath and think "maybe I do have it together, or maybe it will be okay" chaos will walk into their life and they will be thinking about how foolish they were that they things would be okay. Or that they actually understood the assignment. 

I know anyhow this has been my thought process, as well as subsequently many of my clients. I've been of the mind, especially back in college and grad school, that I had to keep my wildly intense fear of failure intake, in order to push myself to success. Had to be so terrified I would fail that I'd try twice as hard. The problem is is that it kind of worked. My fear didn't stop me, it pushed me. Which is the good that can come from fear. If you know Michael Myers has escaped from Smith's Grove and you hear a noise downstairs as you're getting ready for bed that sense of fear can get you ready to run or to fight. You can pick up the fire poker (or uncoiled coat hanger--nice improv Laurie) to buy yourself some time to run from the Shape. Fear is a great thing to have. When it becomes terror and it freezes you instead of readying you for fight or flight that is the problem. 

But what is the line? My fear didn't freeze me, and I feel it helped me with my success. But perhaps I would have succeeded without the fear? Perhaps I am wrong. Looking back I certainly could have distinguished the difference of healthy fear from catastrophizing. 

Ultimately I think it's okay if you don't feel confident all the time. I think it's okay if that lack of confidence creates fear that pushes you a little more. I think it's not okay to confuse healthy fear from terror and catastrophizing. And it's imperative to note that your lack of confidence in your abilities is likely an unreliable predictor of your potential success. There's a difference between knowing you objectively struggle with something (such as math for me) and letting that guide you, and simply "feeling" like you can't do something when there is no evidence you can't. I'm not a great shining example, but I will say that nearly everything I've succeeded at I initially didn't think I would. Now I know when I simply feel overwhelmed or fear failure that that doesn't predict success. I try my best to let only objective fact and history guide me. Not to beat the example to death here, but for example I'd be terrified to go back and try to get a degree in engineering, and I'd likely actually fail. And I actually likely would because I struggle with math and visual-spatial intelligence. I'm also pretty scared at going back to school and getting my PhD in Psychology. And I might fail. No guarantees of success. But in this field I've succeeded at it all so far. That's the fact, and the difference between letting fear decide and letting fear guide. 

*hops off soap box*

Every Life is a Pile of Good Things & Bad Things

 Hello again. It has been four years since my last confession. Actually more. 

Sorry, Sarah and I have been binging 'Evil' the past few weeks and the premise involves a priest, so I've been hearing a lot of confessions recently. 

I've used this blog to exercise my metaphorical demons before--coincidentally--but that's not really why I'm here today. 

My daughter, NOW A TEENAGER (WTF), and I were having a conversation last night and my having a blog came up (this one, as well as an older one that goes back to 2011...or maybe earlier) and surprisingly this was interesting to her. She somewhat encouraged me to write a new post. She made a comment that she didn't think her life was interesting enough to have anything to say. I told her that often my life isn't particularly interesting but I still find a lot to say (not that people are necessarily listening, but I still find it helpful to word vomit--at least every two to four years apparently). Maybe that's a personal quality but perhaps in the written form lives sound more interesting. There are a lot of stories that are popular that involve very ordinary people with very ordinary problems (mostly the whole of "literature" or "straight fiction") and so clearly there is some appeal in the ordinary. Not that I'm comparing this blog--mostly barren, barring about five or six posts over the last decade or so--to a best selling novel. 

Do I find I have much to say today? Not really. Speaking of barren. 

I have been thinking a lot about death, leaving a legacy, finally getting around to those things I've always wanted to do. Finish a novel for one. That's really the only undone dream left that haunts me. 

I've accepted that that an album isn't going to happen. I do think with a little bit of effort I could at least self-publish an album of material, that I think would be worth sharing. But looking at pros and cons, it just doesn't seem worth it. 

Also apparently I'm not going to become the greatest center fielder and number three hitter for the Seattle Mariners since Griffey. Feeling increasingly unlikely at 37. 

But finishing a novel is realistic. Potentially getting it published is a whole other dream, one that involves a fair bit of luck. But finishing it would satisfy me greatly. So you'd think I would have made it happen by now. But motivation is a fickle thing and, at the end of the day, I find myself putting it off. I mean I've got a story I work on every week or so, but it'll take another two to fifty years at the snail's pace I'm going. I'm able to not care about such things a fair amount of the time. But at any old moment during the day the lack of finishing can strike and haunt me. 

Does it matter? Should it be good enough that I have a career, two kids and a wife that I all think are pretty cool? In the end of things our planet will overheat to the point of eliminating all life on earth, and our planet will be consumed into a white dwarf star or something along those lines. I heard that this is the most likely scenario. At some point we'll all be forgotten, even those that are most memorable right now, so I suppose one could say it doesn't matter. 

To me it really comes down to what you'd want people to say at your funeral. What kind of person do you want to be remembered as? What kind of legacy do I want to leave for my kids?

 In my extended family most never went to college. Which is fine, there is a blue collar legacy for most of them. But that wasn't me, and it was hard believing that I could do it, because there was no blueprint. Having one parent who went to college increases the chances they will. Again, not saying that this is the most important thing--having a career you are happy with is most important. But if at least one of them are the kinds of humans who want a job that requires such training (I suspect one is...) I think that's helpful. So leaving a legacy that involves career success, as well as creative...that could be helpful for the children that--hopefully--outlive me. Ideally they don't outlive me any time particularly soon, but who knows. Knock on wood. 

Is wanting a legacy simply vanity? Maybe. Maybe it's okay to be forgotten. Most of us will. Not immediately, but eventually. Most of the celebrities of the day 100 years ago no remembers at all. A select few, but even the most temporarily memorable are just that. Temporarily memorable. 

 Every life is a pile of good things and bad things, as Doctor Who reminds us. Not finishing those projects we wanted...never putting that debut album out, never writing that novel, whatever it is. We could qualify as a bad thing. But the good things are there, regardless. So if you only worry about  doing these--as of yet-- undone things because you want to sleep at night, maybe that's okay. But also maybe that's a sign you're only trying to feel better by arbitrarily finishing something. Out of obligation rather than love. 

I don't know.   

But that's enough for the day. Raised too many questions without answers. Maybe this all sounds like its coming from a place of depression, but it's not. Just doing the "reoccuring outpouring of everything" as I once phrased it. 

*The full Doctor Who quote, which sits to the right of my desk reads..."Every life is a pile of good things and bad things. The good things don't always soften the bad but, vice versa, the bad things don't necessarily spoil the good things and make them unimportant." 

I love this quote and its my guiding principle as a counselor. I try to add to the pile of good things. And help the bad things not make the good things seem unimportant. 

Also...watch 'Evil', on Paramount Plus. It rules.